If you are familiar with me, I am not a good person. I say "I aim to please" but far too often I miss the mark (and possibly end up letting loose a shot that nabs someone in the knee). These past two weeks I have not had a Blue's clue what to do with myself our how to move on from one assignment to another when I realize the bitter reality that my work is mediocre and I do not have the excuse of saying I put forth my best. While I suppose I perform well enough for some merit, I fall woefully short of being some lauded scholar or the pride of my family. I would like to have been a good, high achieving student that goes to bed on time, studies with friends and eats his vegetables but I know I am too forgone for that to be a possibility at this point. In fact, I realize that this point of my life is a pivot which the future swivels and turns upon. How bleak could this be for the average underachiever or the slothful thinker? I would hate to think of it. Even in saying this, it is too common a thing to be a matter of pity because I am not destitute enough to warrant compassion nor mighty enough in any measure to have condolence. Could a poor sinner as I even ask for gracious mercy? This feeling is a bizarre one betwixt shame, guilt, regret and mortal insignificance which I has faced all too often but lack any means to understand. Perhaps drawing comparisons gives rise to these sentiments but how could that possibly be so wrong? Even if I "don't think about it too hard" (@brandyboy72) there would still be the invisible truth grasping at my throat, choking the future and strangling all hope. The very last thing I clasp with confidence is that one day the laws that sustain such a merciless dynamic would fail and time would reverse upon an infinite permutation of recursive universes giving rise to a perfect and timeless Elysium but this is just a mere dream overcast with the brooding, lonesome stars of an unsmiling firmament.