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Senioritis: A senior's guide to the lethal illness



Recently, a friend has confessed to me that he has been diagnosed with stage one senioritis. We've all heard of this virus: common symptoms include drowsiness, in-class headaches, increased social tendencies, and worst of all, characteristic decreases in effort and GPA. Though some have better immune systems than others, this sickness is in fact contagious and most seniors contract a mild case. Because knowledge is the number one prevention factor, I intend to explain--using science and graphical representation-- what is known about this common yet dangerous disease. For those of you who seek protection (at least until the end of AP week), please read on.

Diagnosis: How do I know if I have Senioritis?

Illnesses ending in -itis indicate irritation and inflammation. Senioritis specifically refers to inflammation of the "give-a-care" gland, and inflammation seems to increase as the temperature rises outdoors. Senioritis is most common in ages 16-18, however some people are simply born with it. In this case, the illness is refered to as "chronic procrastination," an entirely different animal.

Though little is known about the causes of Senioritis, there are key variables that contribute to the intensity of the illness. Inflammation level of the GAC gland (I) is directly proportional to t, the amount of time (in hours) left until the end of the year. It can be represented by the equation

I = (2 π t2 P h) /f3


P= the constant of procrastination. This constant varies, dependent upon personality type.

t = time (in hours) left until graduation

f= the number of friends infected

h= the amount of homework (in kg) the student is assigned each night.

For a student with a moderate course load and average amount of friends, the constant of procrastination tends to triple after AP week due to a weaker mentality.

Observe the below graph exhibiting the relationship between academic wellness over time. The decreasing trends are due to GAC flareups, a common side-effect of senioritis. Students with a high P constant are especially susceptible to the virus. Note how in students with relatively high tendencies of procrastination, the AP period provides a brief spike of academic rigorousness, followed by a devastating relapse. We call this spike of functionality "cramming."


Cures and Coping Techniques:

​1.) Senioritis is highly contagious, like influenza or ring worm. Try surrounding yourself by people with relatively low P constants to avoid infection.

2.) Create mini-deadlines for assignments as well as allotted time to study. Handling work in small bits reduces the chance of GAC flareups

3.) Wash your hands before eating finger food.

4.) Try self-medication: remind yourself that senior year is almost over, and in order to do well on APs you'll only have to fight the -itis a little longer. Stay strong, it's the final stretch!

Bueno suerte!

--Alpha Geek


Recommended Comments

This post gave me a good laugh :) The graph is the best part. I wonder how washing your hands before eating finger foods connects to senioritis?

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I seem to have a acquired a mutation of the virus that has caused me to stop caring about only one class... pig

speaking of which, i should start working on my pig project sometime soon...

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